1. He was obsessed with my bu*t.

“I met a guy online who was good looking. He seemed like a normal guy who I thought would be a fun hookup. But before we’d barely even gotten into it, he asked if he could put it in my bu*t. When I said no, he asked, ‘Why not?’ Um, because I said so? This is the FIRST time we’ve hooked up and you’re going there already? Not to mention all he could talk about the rest of the time that we hung out was my ass. That was the end of that. He apologized after a little time had passed and was actually sincere about it, but I was definitely not interested in trying again. When I say no, I mean NO.”

2. He had a pee fetish.

“While getting ready to have s*x with a guy, he asked if he could pee inside of me. We haven’t spoken in over a year.”

3. He wanted to listen to the ‘Laverne and Shirley’ theme while we had sex.

“For some reason, the guy I’m dating and I were talking about TV theme songs while laying in bed. So, before we got intimate he decided to turn on the theme song to the TV show Laverne and Shirley. I can NOT have s*x to the theme song of Laverne and Shirley. It’s just not possible.”

4. He was a little too into taxidermy.

“On a chilly night in October, an adorable friend of a friend invited me back to his place after dancing. He was cute, romantic and really funny. We got to his charming apartment and low and behold, he was into taxidermy. But I’m not talking a stuffed moose. Being that it’s New York City and the apartments are small, all he had room for was a stuffed squirrel, lying on his fireplace mantle on its side. Just staring at me. A stuffed squirrel? That’s an urban rodent. Who wants to make eye contact with a squirrel when they’re having s*x?”

5. His creepy animalistic tendencies came out.

“I had been friends with this guy for years, and we had a little too much to drink one night and ended up back at his place. He’s one of those ‘I go to the gym every day and drink things that involve raw eggs and grass’ types. Great body, totally chiseled. So we’re getting all hot and heavy, clothes start coming off and he starts grunting. And I don’t mean in a good way. He starts grunting, shaking his head from side to side, rolling his shoulders around. The closer we get to interc***se, the crazier this gets. Now, he’s saying, “Yeah bro!” and banging on his chest. I was like, is he about to bench press me, or do me? It was so creepy! I had to stop him because I was so freaked out, so I got my clothes and left. I got a dozen roses the next day with a note saying, ‘So sorry for my King-Kong like behavior. You bring out the animal in me…'”

6. He licked my armpit!

“When I was in high school, this older guy I was seeing started licking my armpits while we were hooking up. On purpose. Dealbreaker.”

7. He dressed up as Spider-Man.

“The creepiest hookup I have ever experienced was when a guy blindfolded me for a ‘birthday surprise’ and came out in a full body Lycra Spider-Man suit. I screamed and ran out of there so fast!”

8. He thought wearing a speedo was sexy.

“I was in Vegas at a pool party when I saw this guy who was in a really short speedo. My friends and I were laughing at him because we couldn’t believe he was wearing that! Later that night we went out to the club and met these Australian guys. I went back with one of them to his hotel room, and when I went into his bathroom, and I saw the SAME speedo that we had seen at the pool party hanging in his bathtub. I was like wait… am I about to have sex with the guy who was wearing that tiny speedo at the pool party right now? No way.”

9. His room was a pigsty.

“Last spring I encountered a sexy stranger on the M train. We eye flirted for about 6 stops until he finally sat across from me. We went for drinks at a local Bushwick bar. After one too many drinks we went back to his apartment and straight into his bedroom… which was a WAR ZONE. It was as if I had stepped into the bedroom of a 13-year-old boy who had no friends. Piles upon piles of dirty clothes were laid on top of video games, which laid on top of his dingy twin mattress. In addition to the mess, his mattress laid crooked, without a bed frame, on the floor. He didn’t excuse the mess, he just said, ‘Don’t judge me’ as he began removing the clutter from his bed. I was tipsy enough to consider staying until I saw him remove beer bottles and empty fast food bags from the mattress pile.”

10. He channeled his inner Willy Wonka.

“As I was hooking up with this guy, he stopped and said, ‘You get a golden ticket!’ like Willy Wonka, and pulled out a magnum condom with a gold wrapper.”

11. We just met and he wanted to tie me up.

“I wasn’t sure I was ready to date since I was just coming off a really bad breakup, but he called me one night when my BFF and I were in Hollywood to see a movie. His friend (who is now a major TV star) were at the Chateau Marmont and wanted to buy us a couple of drinks.

As broke 25 year-olds, this sounded a lot better than seeing a movie in a dumpy little theater, so we headed over there. It turned out to be a great time, and the chemistry was totally sparking. We retired back to his friend’s house up in the Hollywood Hills, and this guy and I started kissing. They were sweet kisses and I couldn’t believe the chemistry or how kind and respectful he was.

When my friend and his friend went inside to play pool, he leaned into my ear to whisper something. I was expecting something very romantic, but instead he said, ‘I just want to tie you to a table and [have s*x with] you.’

I looked back, aghast. Had I heard him right? What?! How did this guy who held every door and spoke so quietly and actually asked permission before he kissed me think that requesting to tie me to a table and do me was a totally normal progression from third real kiss? Needless to say, there was no tying me to tables or even just regular s*x that night. I was definitely not the right girl for him!”

Comments

comments