President Trump is no longer surprising. In fact, he has very likely exhausted the concept of surprise for a number of years.
This is a man who stared directly at the eclipse. A man who simultaneously calls white nationalists “very fine people” and experiences a feverish thrill at the sight of a big, big truck. A man who challenged his secretary of state to an IQ test in an on-record interview with a magazine.
The president is a cartoon German boy in lederhosen, licking a huge lollipop and telling the neighbors he could have them evicted. A middle schooler playing Risk and setting the board on fire when he loses Australia. Trump is predictable in the sense that you can be sure that whatever he does will be the most unhinged version of the wrong thing to do.
And so, we’ve decided to perform an experiment. We’ve created a list of 75 bizarre things that we believe could be reasonably done by Donald Trump in his time as POTUS.
Go ahead, take a look through our list and consider how many times you think, “Yeah, that’ll probably happen.”
1. Advertises the KFC Family Bucket during a speech.
2. Heavily implies that he believes in a geocentric solar system.
3. Calls the Great Pyramid a “feat of American engineering.”
4. Slips on a banana peel like in a cartoon.
5. Threatens to sue a company over a Halloween costume where he looks fat.
6. Praises Hitler as a “great orator” or something.
7. Implies that he could have Jake Tapper killed.
8. Says he is considering pardoning Charles Manson.
9. Casually mentions something about becoming a dictator.
10. Challenges member of congress to a wrestling match.
11. Gives negative review of pop album on Twitter.
12. Compliments the missile capabilities of Kim Jong-un.
13. Credits himself with the success/creation of the iPhone.
14. Sends secret service to pick up fast food. (Check.)
15. Retweets Jake Paul.
16. Describes an orgy he had on a plane during a college commencement.
17. Describes an American hero as “not very attractive but brave, very brave.”
18. Retweets an account that is just quotes from famous murderers.
19. Playfully describes genocide.
20. Caught defending himself on separate “anonymous” Twitter account.
21. Invites a cop recently acquitted of murder to the White House.
22. Caught on video being frightened of a spider.
23. Gets into a feud with Papa John.
24. Invites PewDiePie to the White House.
25. Forgets that Osama bin Laden is dead.
26. Threatens a powerful storm with the might of the U.S. military.
27. Tries to declare war on Guam.
28. Donates to something called the “All Lives Matter Fund.”
29. Wishes a happy birthday to Tim Allen.
30. Initiates a feud with HGTV.
31. Implies he came up with the “We used to have Bob Hope, Steve Jobs and Johnny Cash. Now…” thing.
32. Brings up 2016 election stats in 2018.
33. Makes up a fictional war that the U.S. won.
34. Caught on a hot mic wondering aloud “how electricity works.”
35. Sues McDonald’s.
36. Likes a picture of feet on Twitter.
37. Calls the KKK “a great group” or “fine men” or something similar.
38. Forgets that Alaska is a state.
39. Claims that he speaks to Tom Brady almost every day. Brady reveals this is false.
40. Mispronounces own name.
41. Sends Eric Trump in his stead on sensitive diplomatic mission.
42. It’s revealed he wasn’t born in the United States.
43. Gets tricked into making sweeping regulations to curb the effects of climate change.
44. Refers to Youtube as a “Bad Man.”
45. Begins insinuating that he has never been sick.
46. Eats a hot dog wrong.
47. Rips pants bending over.
48. Refers to Melania by a different name.
49. Photographed holding book upside down.
50. Names Dennis Rodman an enemy of the state.
51. Reveals sensitive military intelligence while improvising during speech.
52. On camera kicking a dog out of his way.
53. Kneels for the national anthem to prove a point about how it’s wrong to kneel and it doesn’t land at all.
54. Doesn’t know where North Korea is on a map.
55. Asks about possibility of moving into Washington Monument.
56. Claims that his portrait looks nothing like him. It does.
57. Filmed not helping a member of his staff or family after they fall down a flight of stairs in front of him.
58. Reveals over a rambling speech that has no idea what the Bill of Rights is.
59. Very visibly throws a bunch of plastic rings into the ocean while on a boat.
60. Appoints Bill O’Reilly to some high-standing government role.
61. Poses for photograph with computer in the background and his own name in the search bar.
62. Claims to have gotten a hole in one on each hole of the golf game he just played.
63. Befriends Kim Jong-un and becomes actually too close to him.
64. Implies that Snapchat was Barron’s idea.
65. Questions whether or not the Holocaust happened in a speech.
66. Accidentally tweets out his password and it’s “12345678.”
67. Has pizza delivered to the oval office.
68. Wearing bathrobe while addressing press.
69. Dick hanging out of pants.
70. Separates from Melania.
71. Invests government funds into pyramid scheme.
72. Turns White House into a skyscraper.
73. Says the year is 2016.
74. Golfing during a hostile foreign invasion.
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