We all know that the rock ‘n’ roll world isn’t a place for the fainthearted. It’s full of emotional turmoil, violence, addiction, and just, like, a shitload of hardcore fucking. And often, the gods of rock like to swirl all of that mess together, creating sexual exploits so weird and sordid that even Larry Flynt would look away. We have created a list from those exploits
David Bowie Banged Slash’s Mom
Of all the possible reasons for musician rivalries, David Bowie and Slash might have a unique one. It’s not that Slash ever called Bowie a has-been, or that Bowie accused Slash of ripping off one his lesser-known alter egos (The Sunglass Wizard). All Bowie did was have tons of sex with Slash’s mom when he was a kid.
During the making of The Man Who Fell to Earth, Bowie — vagabond and satanic sperm incubator — began a passionate affair with his costume designer. The lady in question was Ola Hudson, a world-famous designer responsible for the looks of other rock luminaries like Ringo Starr and John Lennon. She’s also the mother of some guy named Saul Hudson, although we know him better by the punctuation sign he now goes by.
Motley Crue Rubbed Egg Burritos On Their Dicks To Mask The Smell Of Groupie Sex
According to pop culture, hiding an affair is a complex plot involving secret phones, meaningful glances, and constantly sniffing and re-sniffing your clothes. It’s a high-stakes game, and if you don’t want to lose, you better be willing to do anything. Just ask Motley Crue.
In the early days of the band, most of the members had girlfriends — which is problematic when your job kind of insists on you sexing groupies. Not wanting to break up with the loves of their lives, but also wanting to constantly be boning other people whenever they weren’t home, the Crue came up with a plan. After every piece of backstage or recording booth tail, the band would take Tommy Lee’s van to a place called Naugles. There, they celebrated their infidelity with a round of egg burritos — one to eat, and one to slather all over their dicks and balls.
Now, rubbing Mexican food on your junk isn’t some old-fashioned cure-all for groupie-related STIs — this ritual was all about the smell. The band figured that the smell of egg burrito would overpower even the most pungent of backstage favors. And before you ask “Couldn’t they just shower?” remember that this is Motley Crue we’re talking about. Look at them. Taking a shower would raise more suspicions than coming home smelling of strange vaginas. As Vince Neil described it, “We would tell our girlfriends, ‘Oh, we dropped the burritos in our laps.'” Every day of the week. Maybe their girlfriends were too worried about them dying of high cholesterol to be thinking about them cheating.
As we know you’re dying to find out, they used the burritos like washcloths, not like fleshlights. The Crue didn’t ram their members into piping-hot eggs. At that point of the evening, their dicks were already burning plenty.
Limp Bizkit, ICP, And Korn Made Pornos Of Their Own Lives
As music historians can confirm, the angsty and angry nu-metal sound was developed as a coping mechanism for the great tragedy that was Batman And Robin. Naturally, bands like Limp Bizkit, Korn, and Insane Clown Posse were immediately accused of corrupting young minds. Not with their shitty music, but because of all the hardcore porn they were producing.
On the backs of their reputations as barnstorming hooligans, these bands were offered starring spots in the soon-to-be-bestselling series Backstage Sluts, wherein famous rockers recount their wildest sexual moments — which totally happened, bro — while actual porn stars acted them out.
So what sort of antics are we talking here? Well, there’s ICP’s Violent J trying to cajole one of the performers into having sex with him because he’s got the world’s biggest penis (a line which we’re sure she’s never heard before). Or how about watching a reenactment of El Duce — of the charming “rape rock” band The Mentors — having sex with homeless women? Or watching another singer have the world’s least passionate threesome with his girlfriend and another woman? Motorhead’s Lemmy Kilmister even shows up to talk about the terrifying hour he spent laying some supremo pipe on Wendy O. Williams, lead singer of The Plasmatics.
The piece de resistance, however, is watching Insane Clown Posse reminisce about a time they witnessed their roadies throwing lunch meat at naked groupies … only to become so sexually excited by the re-enactment happening in front of them that they can’t help but burst into frame and start lobbing some bologna themselves, like barely sentient Barbary apes breaking the fourth and fifth walls.
Nick Cannon And Mariah Carey Did It To Her Music
At some point in their lives (16-24), most people will make a sex mixtape — a collection of songs to set the mood during lovemaking. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey had a playlist like that, only theirs was nothing but a loop of Carey’s song about how real heroes never go soft halfway through.
In 2012, during an interview with chain smoking grandmother Howard Stern, Cannon revealed that when the then-couple had lovin’ on their minds, there was nothing that got the bodily fluids pouring like queuing up a couple of her tracks and going to town on each other. Their favorite Carey anthem? Her soft and sweeping “Hero.” Maybe it’s because of encouraging lyrics like And then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on. Or maybe it’s because Cannon doesn’t have any music of his own worth listening to while you’re trying to bump uglies. Either way, this should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with Mariah Carey, who insisted on giving birth while listening to a recorded live performance of her own song, “Fantasy,” so she could hear her fans clapping for her.
But unlike most of us, Cannon was getting off on his wife’s singing long before they were married. In the same interview, he also told the world that he jerked it to the very same song, which might be the most loyal version of masturbation anyone has ever admitted to. After their divorce, Cannon admitted that sharing those tidbits had gotten him into trouble with Carey. Maybe telling the world that he needed two Mariah Careys to whisper in his ears might have contributed to their split. At least he has her music to keep him company at night.